The Names We Ignore

Happy-New-Year-twelve-days-late-and-first-post-in-like-two-months

Winter break in a college town is not as sparkly and glamorous as one might think. It's actually rather dull and mundane and repetitive. Which isn't a horrible thing when one is able to sleep in until 11 every day. As a result of this boredom I've been doing some reading and stuff, and I figured the 2-7 people that read the things I randomly post would be thrilled to hear about it haha.

I've been hanging out in Romans this last week, and when I got to the end where Paul is listing all the people that he wants to give a shout out to, I was tempted to skip it, just like I'm tempted to skip every list of names in the Bible. I know, I know...but you do it too. Something about those lists just isn't appealing, unless you're trying to come up with the funniest possible name for someone's baby, then they're like a gold mine!

I digress.

I thought to myself, "Self, you are stuck here with nothing to do. You have no real reason not to read this list. Read the list." Yes, that is a summary of my basic thought pattern, except that I think it a lot faster. So I read the list. I don't know that every list is like this, but the list in Romans 16 is actually quite neat. Yes it's a bunch of names that I'll never be able to recite to you, but for every name Paul lists, he gives a reason, a characteristic of this person that made them worthy in his eyes. The following phrases are used:

"my fellow workers in Christ Jesus"

"who labored much for us"

"my beloved in the Lord"

"approved in Christ" (possibly my favorite)

"chosen in the Lord" (!!!)

I could be way off here, but if you only get one verse in the entire Bible, I think that's a pretty good way to go down. I know nothing else of Amplias, Tryphosa, or Patrobas, but that they loved and served the Lord in such a way that Paul gave them the shout out of a lifetime. Thousands of years later they are known only for the very best choice they made. We don't get anything about how they messed things up, their doubts, their insecurities, their weaknesses. They are known forever for the one important factor in their otherwise unknown lives.

Jesus Christ.

May we-and I-strive to be known for one thing only.

They followed Christ.

Are we good enough for each other?

(yay for the first post of 2012 finally making an appearance!)

Why can we never be good enough for one another?

We can't play the right sports, wear the right clothes, sit at the right table, live in the same dorm, have the right major, have the right job, etc.

I don't get it. I really don't. All I know is that the Lord called us to love one another, and stereotyping and discriminating are not ways to accomplish this. I am by no means saying that I'm great at loving other. I'm just really tired of having to constantly defend one friend to another. I understand that no everyone gets along. I just wish people would stop assuming that where someone lives, how they dress, or if they like videos games defines them.

I go to a Christian college. One would think that everyone here is friends with everyone. That we all love one another. That we are all seeking to grow together as a Body. But the more people I meet, and the more friends I make, the more I realize this isn't true. Christians have just as many cliques as everyone else. Maybe more. Why is it that we can't see past the surface, or even the rumored stereotypes, and love people for who they are? The Lord has created each and everyone of them-and us-as unique and valuable individuals. We weren't meant to be defined by our lunch tables, our jobs, or our dorms. We were meant to be defined by who we are in Christ, and we were meant to show that value and that love to the rest of the world. Why should anyone consider following Christ if those who already do are just as mean, catty, and rude as everyone else? Why aren't we different?

Jesus didn't hang out with the cool crowd. Jesus hung out with sinners, taxcollectors, orphans, and widows. The social rejects. So maybe it's time we stopped rejecting them and started befriending them and getting to know them. It's time we stopped forcing people to try and be good enough for us.


It's time to love.

I don't know what I'm doing

I have a confession to make.

I am not perfect. I do not have it all together. As a matter of fact, I don't have anything together.

I know, shocking, right?

At this point I'm pretty sure if anyone is actually reading this they are rolling their eyes. I have that effect on people. Just kidding. But seriously. Feel free to quit reading my ramblings at any moment. I'll never know, I promise.

*disclaimer* I am in no way saying not to talk to me. I am always available and willing to spend time with and invest in you. I just think that sometimes you're looking for answers in the wrong place.

A friend told someone the other day that I'm always in an awesome mood and never have any problems to talk about. Another friend told me I can have any guy I want on campus. People (sometimes) seem to think I'm awesome. I don't really know where they get this idea from. In my mind, I am the frazzled, tired, super busy girl who may or may not be wearing makeup/have done something with the hair/have matching socks. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know where I'm going half the time (thank goodness my mind sends me to the right buildings out of habit!). There are plenty of days when I feel awesome, on top of things, and attractive. And then there are days when all I hope is that no one will talk to me, nothing will come up, and I can hide in 203 for hours. However, the Lord hasn't called me to be a hermit (big shocker, huh?). I thrive on people, and I want each and every one of you to know just how absolutely wonderful and worth it you are. I'm in a great mood most of the time because I'm surrounded by the awesome creations of the Lord, and it honestly blows my mind. Sometimes I feel like I have to hold it together for the sake of all those around me, and at the same time I feel like everyone can that that is all I am trying to do. I love you all dearly, believe me, but I cannot be what you think you need me to be. You all don't need me. I can't hold it together for you. If you look up to me, I promise you'll be disappointed. The Lord created you, and He loves you more than you can even begin to imagine. He is singing over you in the stars, in the wind, in the leaves changing colors. He wants to be the One you depend one, and He wants you to realize that you are valuable and adored. There is nothing more satisfying that coming to that awesome realization. I wish this for each and every one of you, which is why I try to convey my love for you continually, but again, I can't do it all, I can't be it all for you.

But I can always show you who can.

<3

Part Two: I'm Not Very Good at this Christian thing

I've been meaning to write this for over a week now, but art eats my life sometimes. Most days all I really want to do is take a nap. Anyways, I'm sure you're dying to see my new list (I love lists. I think it has to do with being left-handed?), so here you are:

1. I haven't read Crazy Love all the way through. I started it, I really did, and I had every intention of loving and finishing it. That didn't happen. In all honesty I was bored by chapter three. It's sitting on my shelf here at school, begging to be read and appreciated. Maybe someday...

2. I haven't read Radical. I also find David Platt to be a bad public speaker. No, it's not the fact that he has a lisp. I just wasn't as rivited as I had expected.

3. I have never been prayer walking. Actually, I hadn't even heard of it before I came to school. It's pretty popular. Almost as populer as Chacos...

4. Some sort of religious programming came on TLC the other day, and I switched to Disney channel. I don't really think any other explanation is needed here.

Hey, at least I'm not cliche...right?

9/11 & 35,000

Let me start by saying that I am not anti-America at all. I happen to love being an American, and I wouldn't want to be a citizen of any other country. However, that does not mean that I am proud of or condone everything that goes on.

Why is it that it takes tragedy to bring people together? What if we, as the body of Christ, actually truely cared about people on a day to day basis?

I am not trying to discount the events of September 11, 2001. What happened was terrible, and I would not wish it on anyone. I think the men and women involved in rescue and cleanup did an incredible thing.

But.

Over 50 million children have died as a result of abortion. That is more people than Hitle and Stalin killed combined.

Every year, 35,000 people die of starvation and lack of clean water.

Yes, we should rush to help in times of tragedy. But there are people in personal tragedy every day, and we do nothing.

All the world could have clean drinking water for a little over $10 million. That really isn't very much if you think about it.

Why is it we think it's ok to ignore those around us? Jesus calls us to love widows, orphans, and our neighbors.

It's time to start.

Remember 9/11 and the great loss.

Just don't forget those still alive. Those slowly dying every day. Those we have the power to help.

Do something.

Love them like Jesus.

I'm not very good at this Christian thing...

...I'm also not very good at blogging. However, I only know one person who updates her blog on a regular basis, so I'm not overly concerned.

Anyways, being back on the Baptist campus has reminded me of something: I'm not the greatest at this whole Christian thing. Why, do you ask?

1. I hate journaling. And by hate, I do mean hate. Which makes blogging seem ironic. I dunno. Something about writing about my feelings and such just does not appeal to me. I used to by journals and notebooks a lot, because they're super cute, but it has turned out to be futile.

2. I own neither Toms nor Chacos. I would love to buy some Toms, I just have no money. No offense to the 945 students here who wear them, but Chacos are not attractive. I know it makes you look like Super-outdoor-missiounary-adventure-Christian, but I just can't take them seriously. I think I wore sandels similar to those in...fourth grade.

3. I cannot play the djembe. If Jesus was musically inclined, this is what He played. I'm pretty sure at least one of the twelve probably did as well. I'm not sure how the djembe ended up with the honor of being one of the top holy instruments, but it's definitely not in my area of expertise.

4. I have never played guitar whilst sitting around a campfire. However, I'm taking a guitar class this semester, so this one is attainable!

5. I don't get up early for quiet time. I also didn't get up in time for class the other day...but I think God understands some people's extreme need for sleep. Besides, He's around all day.

6. I fail at intense mission experiences. This one needs explaning. On my mission trip this summer we went to a memorial site that happened to be a graveyard. I, in my skewed perspective of reality, happened to reallyyy like graveyards. I was super excited to be going to one, whist my team was all serious and prayerful. I was literaly trying to disguise my happiness, since I figured it would probably be frowned upon.

I'm sure there's more, but this is my current list. I don't really know how the people around me perceive my spiritual life, but hopefully they aren't judging me by my lack of "spiritual" footwear. I guess it's a good thing God doesn't actually require any of this stuff, huh?

Someone Worth Dying For

I don't really have anything to say, so check out the lyrics to the legit new song by Mike's Chair, and have a great day:)

You might be the wife, waiting up at night
You might be the man, struggling
to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless
Maybe you're the son who chose a
broken road
Maybe you're the girl thinking you'll end up alone
Praying
God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh
and bone? Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna
believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you
don't know
And I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone
worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just
keep asking, oh what everybody's asking

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth
dying for
You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah the cross has proven
that you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

And you are
more than flesh and bone,
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yes
you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to
see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and
can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are
Someone worth dying for, oho
You're someone worth dying for, oho
You're someone worth dying for.

Church Camp High

This last week we went to church camp. I wasn't just not posting like usual :P. It was a good but extremely hot week, and I got to see many old friends and make a few new ones, but it felt like something was weird. It seemed kind of...blah.

I did not get the "church camp high." You know, where you go to camp and come home all "yay Jesus" and stuff for a few weeks. I didn't have any revelations of life changing decisions.

Why? It's definitely not because I'm just so absolutely perfect that I don't need to change a thing. Maybe it was just the fact that I was sick 76% of the time due to the extreme temperatures. Maybe it was the fact that compared to last month's trip to South Dakota, this week was rather tame and predictable. Maybe it was all those times my campus pastor talked about falling in love with the "everyday life Jesus" instead of "Super Summer Jesus." Maybe they just didn't touch on anything I really struggle with. Maybe it's because I was concerned with trying to fix a few other people instead of myself. Maybe it was the fact that I learned so much more in one year of college than I've learned in ten years of church camp.

I don't know why. I really don't. All I know is that I thought I was going to die all week and for the first time was really glad when Friday finally made an appearance. I definitely had, in the words of Ethan, the "camp hangover."

I had fun, and I miss everyone, I really do. I just didn't feel it this year.

Serve in the small

There was a monk in the 17th century named Brother Lawrence. From the little I know of him, he was an amazing man who came to an awesome realization about serving the Lord.

"It is enough for me to but pick up a straw from the ground for the love of God."


He grasped a concept that many of us don't.

We don't have to do huge things in order to serve God.


So many times we (...I) feel like if we aren't somewhere in Africa, living in a hut, slaving away in the heat everyday, that we aren't really serving God. We can't possibly do anything that He would approve over. Thankfully, this is so incorrect. It doesn't take turning the world upside-down 24/7 in hyper mode to serve the Lord. We can do it each and everyday. Correction: we SHOULD. In all the small things. In washing the dishes. In driving to work. In scubbing floors or painting walls for a neighbor. In giving someone a hug.


Our God is a personal God, and He loves hearing you whistle as you work just as much as He loves hearing you sing in church on Sunday.

Serve and worship Him in the small things. Because there are WAY more small things in life than there are big. Work it.

Different. Important.

2 Corinthians 12: "There are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit, there are differences of ministries, but the same Lord. And the are diversities of activities, but it is the same God who works all in all...But one and the same Spirit works all these things..."

Different people are good at different things. Raise your hand if you knew that already. We look at people and want what they have. People look at us (some of us, anyway...) and want what we have. No of us are ever satisfied. For example, I know how to draw trees, and I can't sing. Just which one of those sounds like the better deal to you? I would rather kill a cat than give a speech, but I have friends who think it's the most fun thing in the entire world. My entire family has the gift of sarcasm, but I know some people who think I'm the most awkward person ever because they can't understand it.

What's the deal?

Well, I hope it's obvious, but the world wouldn't work very well if everyone had the same talents. We were created different. We need to be different. Different isn't weird. Different is needed.

Do what you're good at, and let everyone else do what they're good at. Be the awesome, valuable person God created you to be. You're special, you're needed, you're important.

Own it!

Weakness, fear, and trembling

...that's how you want to be described, right? Riiiight...that sounds like a GREAT way to make friends and influence enemies.

1 Corinthians 2:1-5:

And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God. For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling. And my speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Paul wrote Corinthians, right? He was like one of the super Christians of history, and yet he claimed these characteristics. He knew that anything he did that happened to work wasn't because of him. It was all God.

We don't have to be good enough. We CAN'T be good enough. We simply have to trust in, and lean on, the power of Christ and let Him do the impossbile stuff.

It's not up to us!

Thank goodness.

P.S. If the format is all messed up, it's not my fault. I don't know what the deal with blogger is. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Embarrassed much? Nope.

What is the problem with today’s culture?

We don’t know what to be embarrassed about.

Yes, that sounds odd, but think about it.

What embarrasses people in general today? Car, clothes,
house, kids, salary, hair, family, feelings?

What should embarrass us more than anything?

Sin.

Ezra 9 discusses the intermarriage with pagans that was
apparently popular. Ezra says, “O my God, I am too ashamed and humiliated to
lift up my face to You, my God; for out iniquities have risen higher than our
heads, and our guilt has grown up to the heavens.” (9:6 NKJV)

That, my friends, is a LOT of embarrassment.

And it wasn’t even his fault! As far as I can tell,
Ezra had no part in this. It was all the Israelites. And yet he was
embarrassed. He felt ashamed. Why? Because God’s people disobeyed God’s laws.

Today we are taught to turn our back to sin. Pretend it
isn’t there, and don’t even think about actually confronting someone about
their sin. Don’t bother with your own sin, either. It’d not a problem, doesn’t
need to be taken care of, right?

When did we lose our shame?

Sin is sin, and sin happens to be bad. Just FYI.

We
shouldn’t ignore sin, and we shouldn’t condone it.

We
should be embarrassed by it. And we should do what Israel was doing: confessing
and repenting.

Good
news!: “our God did not forsake us in our bondage; but He extended mercy to us in the sight of the kings of Persia to revive us…” (9:9)

You matter

"When the Creator of matter tells you you matter, THEN you have purpose!" -Brad Stine

(super funny Christian comedian. Check him out. No, seriously. Now.)

Today I was reading some book/pamphlet (Just what IS a pamphlet anyway? How does it vary from a brochure?) that the mom has on modesty, and something interesting stood out to me.

When Adam and Eve realized that they were naked, they made loinclothes out of fig leaves, which have the consistency of sand paper.

When God clothed them, he made tunics out of sheep skin, which does not have the consistency of sand paper.

Is this awesome to anyone else?

They had just disobeyed, deserted, and betrayed the Lord, and what does He do? He covers their shame and embarassment, and He does it in a way that blows their minds (Reading between the lines...).

They tried to make do with some dead leaves that only partially covered them. They tried to hide and run from the God who made and loved them, but nothing they did was successful.

Then God came along. He didn't zap them. He didn't yell. He called to them. And then he clothed them. He replaced their makeshift aprons with soft, covering tunics. They had just basically condemned the world, yet He was proving to them that He still loved them. He cared enough about them to take care of them even when they turned their backs on Him They still mattered.

So do we.

So do you.

We (I!) screw up. We ignore and forget about the Lord. We run away from Him on purpose. We give Him every reason in the world to cast us aside. But He doesn't.

He still loves us.

He takes us back.

Everytime.

And He replaces our homemade, scratchy solutions with His perfect soft ones.

You matter to the Creator of the universe. More than anything.

So I forgot to mention VBS...

Surprise! We had VBS last week and it was...weird.

We didn't have 80-100 kids. We had 50-60.

I did the music.

I think they were all bored.

Except for the karate song. It is impossible to dislike that song. Kind of like it's impossible to frown whilst eating a Frosty.

Intern got hit with water balloons.

2 girls got saved! Yay!

A brief summary of aforementioned mission trip

Sunday and Monday, due to heavy rain, we
stayed inside and worked in the Dream Center. We sorted donations, painted
walls, put office furniture together, and stained the floor. It was a great
time of coming together as a team and just working for the Lord.

Tuesday we went to the town of Wounded
Knee, where we prayer walked, fed children lunch, played with, and loved them
all afternoon. Thursday we did the same in the town of Evergreen. These
children have incredibly difficult lives. On average, they begin drinking at
the age of five, and join gangs by age nine. One six year-old girl told us that
her fifteen year-old brother had been killed in a gang fight just a few days
previous. I got a chance to talk with some of the mothers, and one of them told
me that many of the kids around us did not have fathers, and several lived with
aunts or grandparents.

On Wednesday we
went to White Clay, Nebraska. It is located right across the border and just
off the reservation. It is basically a large collection of bars and liquor
stores. Its purpose is to provide the Natives from the “dry” reservation with
alcohol. Many people choose to stay in this town, and sleep in ditches and on
sidewalks. Business owners in White Clay make an average of $7 billion a year.
We served lunch at a small ministry on the main street and talked with some of
the “residents.” Their stories were unbelievable and heartbreaking. We were
going to actually go out onto the streets after lunch, but a fight broke out in
front of the building, and we ended up sneaking out the back door. It was not
an experience I’d like to repeat.

Overall, the week was
eye-opening and awesome. Our team became very close, and caught a small glimpse
of the Body of Christ laughing, crying, working, sweating, and wondering as
one. The Lord showed us how to worship Him in everything-from feeding a hungry
child to scrubbing concrete. We truly serve an amazing God.

A week without cell service.

We're alive! We didn't get shot, bit by snakes, or hit by a cow. Which were all concerns, trust me.

I learned several things last week:

1. There is nothing in Iowa. Except random roadside art. Is it roadside or road side?

2. Two vans are better than one.

3. It is possible to stain concrete.

4. There all ALWAYS more white spots, even after you paint the wall 4 times.

5. God places other people in your life to do what you cannot, as well as to let you know when you're being dumb.

6. I am never the only person who knows songs from Veggie Tales and/or The Music Man

7. Those of us with should always give to those without.

8. God sends people that believe in us because sometimes we just can't believe in ourselves

9. When you get down to it, everyone just wants to be loved.

10. Some people see the world differently in order to enlighten the rest of us.

11. Nothing brings people together like blasting "Don't Stop Believin'"

12. Open skies win. Every time.

13. Even when you're freaked out, God still uses the simple things to remind you of His presence.

14. Money can't buy everything, but it can buy some really pretty handmade pottery and paintings.

15. None of us can do it alone.

16. Effort counts when performance lacks.

17. Life is beautiful when viewed through a camera lens.

18. Starting is always the hardest part.

19. The New Testament is a lot cooler than I originally thought.

20. It's ok to be real with people.

21. How to duel properly.

22. You can put almost any words to "Home on the Range."

Is the image of God good enough for us?

I'm taking a mission trip to the Pineridge Indian Reservation with my school this summer. Today in our meeting we were discussing the packing list. We (specifically girls) are supposed to wear loose pants, oversized t-shirts, and no makeup. In the words of Mission Leader's Son, "If they can tell you're a woman, it's not allowed." The reasoning behind this is the Lakota have respect for modesty, and it's also a matter of procaution/protection. I think we're going to have to do some thrift store shopping. Not because we all dress like skanks, but, let's be real, even whilst wearing t-shirts and men's shorts you know we're women. Even our grungy/comfy clothes probably don't fit these standards.

As girls, our first reaction was something along the lines of...'No makeup? That's sounds gross, and horrid, and...' Why? Because from age 5 on, all society has told us is that you can't possibly be beautiful, presentable, or acceptable if you don't wear makeup all the time and dress exactly like they tell you to. It simply isn't possible.

Or is it?

If you think about it, the world is a pretty messed up place. The people in it are wrong about a lot of things, so could they be wrong about this as well?

Genesis 1:27 says that God created us in His image.

It doesn't get any better than that. Plain and simple. We can ignore it, cover it with lies and fluff, and hide from it, but that doesn't change the fact.

You are created in God's image. He sent His only Son to die for YOU.

Why?

He thinks you're worth it.

Even when your friends, family, classmates, and random strangers look down on you or your abilities, you're still worth it. God created you for something bigger than the fickle approval of men. There is so much more to life that we Americans think. It's not about clothing, makeup or hairdye. It's about the free and fantasticness that Jesus offers. Because He thinks we're worth it. And He wants the best and most awesome for these value people that bear His image.

How much fuller and more effective would our lives be if we ignored society's call and accepted God's image as all we need?

Co-Mission Trip Leader made an awesome point when she said, "How can I sit there and tell a little Lakota girl that she is valued and beautiful the way she is when I don't honestly believe that about myself?"

Going against the flow would make so much more of an impact than looking like Barbies all. the. time.

I don't have a problem with makeup, dressing up, or looking cute. Far from it. I have a problem with those things having first priority in our lives. I have a problem when we can't run out the door to talk with or help someone with out first adding two more layers of makeup.

When did our appearance become more important than our God?

You don't need the stuff and fluff.

You are valued.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

Mixed emotions at 12:23 am.

We are two weeks away from the end of school. This year has gone by really fast and really slow at the same time. It has been totally incredible, but I kind of feel like we are on a bomb timer or something. We only have four years to smoosh in as much fun, adventure, and quality time as possible. I'm ready to go home, to see my family, to make money, have a large closet, escape the drama, and to sleep. On the other hand, I'm not ready to say good bye to Taco Bell, my classes, my church here, or friends that have become like family.

At the beginning of this year I didn't know what would happen. I knew approxamately five people, didn't know how to take notes, and had no idea how everything was going to fit in our dorm room. I always imagined college being fun, but it has definitely exceeded expectations. I've met literally hundreds of wonderful people, gotten to know God on a whole new level, and learned how to calculate the last possible second I can get up in order to be places on time.

On a random note, since being here, my hair decided to change color.

I am both excited and a little afraid for this year to end. Excited, because there will be more people to connect with, and more opportunities next semester. Afraid, because some won't be returning, and I don't want to lose those relationships. Excited, because I get to go home and reconnect with everyone. Afraid, because I know they've all continued their lives just fine without me.

Also, I'm not sure my car will make it all the way home...

But I guess it doesn't matter what I think. The year is ending whether I want it to or not. No use dwelling on it, I suppose. After all...

Adventure is out there!

Read and React

I love alliteration. I was told that titles should always be capitalized. There you have it. Last week stunk. In just about every way, shape, and form. I honestly spent just about the whole time wallowing in the depths of dispair. I also contemplated quitting my major and becoming a librarian? Why? Because surely even I could handle a job like that. On second thought, I'd probably just catch the library on fire. I KNEW I should have just become an NFL referee. Speaking of which, boys like you a whole lot more when you agree to play Fantasy Football with them. Just saying. They probably won't like me as much once I start beating them. Assuming that there's a season this year. :( Ok, that was waaay off topic. All this to say that once I actually stopped to pray about the project I was working on (redoing for the fourth time, actually) it went fairly well. And I felt a whole lot better about myself and my life. But why didn't I do that in the first place? Because I had never had problems with this before. Because it had never been a big deal. Because I thought I was awesome and could handle it. Because I didn't think God would really be that interested in my temporary, stressed-out, college student problems. Then I was reminded, I'm kind of supposed to talk to Him about this stuff all the time. Because He does care, and He does have time. He is God, after all. Maybe if instead of freaking out, planning to run away to Brazil, or dragging my friends down with my negativity, I should just let Him take care of it. You'd think I'd know this by now. Apparently not. Which is a disappointment. But I guess...live and learn.

April Fools? I don't think so.

I don't believe in April Fool's Day. Haven't in ten years. It's a little hard to goof around on a day that changed almost every life around me at the time. April 1, 2001 seems like a lifetime ago. But I still remember. I remember the phone call, being sent to a friend's house, the uncertainty, the trips, the world being turned upside down. April 1, 2001 was when I first began to really trust God. It was the first time in my young life that life went out of control, yet I somehow knew that He was there the whole time, keeping the world in line, if even by a thread. I still don't know why it had to happen. Maybe I'll never know. I don't think of Matthew often, but sometimes it's just brought back to me. He should be here. He should be my brother's best friend. They should be playing at the park, swimming in the pool together. He should be in the van when we go to church camp. He should be playing in the band or running around the field. But he's not. April first. It comes every year. And I'll always remember.